A Ticket to Ride (Page 1 of 1)
July 10, 2008By:
The ticket agent's shirt was wrinkled, sleeves rolled, with the collar wide open around his thick and sweating neck; his glasses, refusing to stay put, had fallen to the end of his glistening nose and he leaned way back, nearly feet-up-on-the-desk style, in his broken-down office chair and peered at us, the lucky Greyhound travelers standing in line at midnight, as if he were doing us a favor.
This was my first time in a bus station, so I was in that slow-to-react sensory collection mode: Hence, when the skinny cowboy who smelled like rot-gut vodka cut in front of me just as I made the counter, I simply tilted my head and watched.
“I gotta get to church tomorrow,” he groaned.
“Yep,” said the agent, his hands resting on his gut, fingers laced. “I know what you mean. I need to get to church, too.” He raised his eyebrows and peered over his puffy cheeks. “But if she don’t pull out by 12:30, you’re hung up.”
She? I wondered. If “she” doesn’t pull out by 12:30? Was he talking about the bus? And if so, shouldn’t he — the ticket agent — know when “she” — the bus for which he was peddling seats — would be pulling out? He acted as if the deciding factor floated in the ether and our only hope was to sit down and cross our fingers.
I looked to the gate where she, our bus, sat rumbling in a cloud of exhaust. I wondered what her name was and I secretly hoped that she’d burp and shudder and shut down: I wanted my money back already, after only 10 minutes in the station, and seeing as how I bought a non-refundable ticket, I figured getting “hung up” would be my only route to a refund.
I lugged my bags to a plastic seat, ticket in-hand, near gate number two. The depot commissary, having just re-opened, was experiencing a rush on energy drinks, microwave burritos and sandwiches in plastic wedges.
The lady directly across from me unscrewed her tongue spike and dove into a bag of Cheetos, crumbs crumbling down her black T-shirt as she talked incessantly to the man beside her. Then she uncorked the top on a one-liter bottle of Surge and threw her head back and guzzled, the prospect of being seat-stuck all night apparently not a deterrent for knocking down 34 ounces of caffeine and sugar.
And then, to my dismay, the New York-bound line began to form and all the red-eyed riders filed out the door.
There was a pile of suitcases beside the gaping maw of the luggage cellar.
“Do I put my bag there?” I asked the driver.
She put her hands on her hips and looked me up and down, head-to-toe, as if I were a drooling idiot: “That’s where the rest of ’em are, ain’t it?”
Strangely, I took comfort from her attitude: I figured she owned just enough grouch to keep from falling asleep at the wheel as we rolled wearily and ship-like northbound through the darkness. Sleep would not overtake this lady without permission, I thought, and then boarded the bus and crunched into a seat near the back.
And thus began my groggy, head-bobbing battle with wakefulness for the next 20 hours. Exhausted, eyes swollen, concentration level nil and rendering the three books in my lap paper weights, I dropped every few miles into tiny dreams only to jerk upright, rudely and abruptly awakened by the smack of a pothole or the fart of a seatmate.
Occasionally we growled to a stop at some roadside travel center and the driver announced the gift of 15 minutes to stretch. Bus travelers are a somnolent bunch — they shuffle off during rest breaks for nachos and fast food counters like blank-eyed cattle; they two-hole nose-blow their cigarette smoke like factory stacks, lighting one off the dying end of another; and they lean forearmed on video games and dump in pocketfuls of quarters — until, that is, it’s time to get back on the bus, where, holding their heads and coughing, they recline and listen to the crack of soda cans and the twist-fizz of bottle tops filling the post-store air.
In Charlottesville, Va., the driver announced that all D.C.-bound riders should switch buses here, as opposed to the scheduled Richmond stop.
I was confused — my ticket destination was NYC, but I had a transfer in D.C. — so I showed him my itinerary.
“Stay on this bus.”
“But I’m going to D.C., kind of?”
“Stay on this bus.” And then he turned his back on me.
Everyone was puzzled. A little man in polyester pants and a Hawaiian shirt blazed down the steps, one flip-flop and one tennis shoe on, nearly in tears and shouted, “Wrong damn bus!”
In Richmond I learned that tickets really have no bearing on whether or not you get a seat. The agent put me in the NYC line (not D.C.) and then I watched as the bus filled to capacity and the line cut off one person in front of me.
I looked around. The D.C. bus was long gone. I wondered if Richmond had a train station.
“Stay here. There’s another bus in 30 minutes.”
The line behind me began to bend around the corner.
Finally, I climbed aboard another bus with only six hours to go. I squeezed into a seat next to Deirdre, who — I’m sorry, I know this is rude — should have purchased two tickets and who — remarkably, unfathomably — was in her third day of this, from L.A. to NYC.
“Next time,” she said, “If I can’t fly, I ain’t goin’.” She laughed. “I’m tired of all this bus business.”
The understatement of the year, I’d say, this “bus business” being crammed knees-up, painfully and torturously sleepless, with the only constant from Greyhound being the employees’ overwhelmingly overworked and underpaid hands-in-the-air rudeness.
I think you could have waited around and snagged a 99 dollar one-way flight to NYC from here. They have good deals sometimes!
Tough acting tinactin. Bus is the only way to roll dog. Boom!
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